The Bunny Conspiracy
by curiosity-killed-the-cat-58
Summary: A happy accident...or a malicious plot? Rukia certainly doesn't need help deciding when Ichigo comes along and steps on her bunny


**Disclaimer: **Sadly, I do not own Bleach

* * *

Rukia Kuchiki was not an impatient woman. In fact she was so patient that she had once spent three hours conversing with Noba in which the only words that passed between them were:

_'Do you like ice-cream?' _

_'Yeah.' _

_'Oh, okay. Want some?' _

_'I'm dead.' _

_'Oh. So…that's a no?'_

_'Yeah.' _

She wasn't sure that it counted as a _conversation_ per se, but that was beside the point. The point is that she was a patient woman. But, she had ice-cream then. Ice-cream was a crucial factor in deciding whether or not Rukia Kuchiki was patient or not. This time, unfortunately, she did _not_ have ice-cream. It was thoroughly distressing. Though Rukia Kuchiki may be patient, she was _not_ known for her self-control in distressing situations. Which this was.

The last time she was in a distressing situation did not end well. People died. Well, okay, maybe not _people_ per se, more like stuffed animals. And maybe these stuffed animals didn't _die_, because, you know, they're stuffed animals. But these particular stuffed animals just so happened to contain Mod souls.

And one of these Mod souls accused her of committing genocide. This only served to make poor Rukia more distressed.

That particular Mod soul wasn't seen again.

So, you get the idea. Rukia _was_ patient, but she was also undeniably _vicious._ Of course, you would never say that to her face. Or in the same room as her. Or in the same _world_ as her. Because Rukia Kuchiki had the uncanny ability to hear these things from miles away. It's suspicious really. Of course, you would never say that to Rukia Kuchiki either.

Anyway, Rukia was waiting. For a _long_ time. Without ice-cream.

And as she was waiting, she began to idly think about creative ways to maim and kill the guy who made her wait. Not that she would ever put them into practice.

Of course, that depended entirely on what said guy did when he finally showed up.

"Rukia!"

_Oh, so now he turns up, does he? Now, when I probably could have been killed by this massive Hollow here? He has some nerve. I mean, even the Hollow looks bored! Ichigo, you will pay for this._

Rukia turned and gave Ichigo a cold, flat stare. The sort of cold, flat stare that get people to run for cover, and possibly to say goodbye to their loved ones one last time. The stare that makes people trip over their own feet in fright. Which is exactly what Ichigo did.

And he stepped on her bunny.

He _stepped_ on her _bunny._

From his position on the floor Ichigo stared at her. Then at her bunny. Then back at her, seemingly reluctant to accept what he'd just done.

You see, there's one more thing that you need to know about Rukia Kuchiki. Her world revolves around her bunny. Telling Rukia that something happened to her bunny was worse than telling Captain Soi Fon that Yoroichi hates ninjas. Which is why people tend to stay away from said bunny.

But Ichigo didn't stay away from the bunny. No, he _stepped_ on the bunny. She couldn't stress that point enough.

Now you may be wondering why Rukia left her bunny lying in the street. But that would be the wrong question to ask. What you should be asking is why the Universe _made_ her leave her bunny lying in the street.

There are a couple of theories, the first one being that the Universe had decided to punish her for the mass murder of the aforementioned stuffed animals by in turn destroying her own stuffed animal. But that meant Ichigo would be alleviated of all blame as he was simply an unwitting pawn in the grander scheme of things. Rukia didn't like that theory. It meant she couldn't take her anger out on Ichigo, and she really, _really_ wanted to.

No, she preferred to think that Ichigo purposefully stepped on her bunny, after he maliciously and with intent to harm placed it there on the street. Of course, she was blatantly overlooking the fact that _she_ left her bunny there, while in the process of very heroically trying to save a child's ice-cream from falling out of its cone (because let's face it, no one wants to hear about that overused cliché).

She stared at her poor crushed bunny lying helplessly in the street. Ichigo was still giving her a terrified look. Even the Hollow seemed frozen, having picked up the general murderous atmosphere.

"R-Rukia…"

She just stared.

"Rukia, I'm sorry…"

"…"

"It wasn't intentional, I swear…"

"…"

"Rukia? Why…why was your bunny lying there anyway…" His voice trailed off under her fierce gaze.

She suddenly surged forward and stomped down on Ichigo's head, ignoring his muffled pleading.

"_You!_ YOU STEPPED ON MY BUNNY! _MY BUNNY!_" She yelled. "You idiot! What did the bunny ever do to you? Nothing! It didn't deserve to have you come along and mercilessly take its life away! You clumsy, dim-witted, _son of a bi-_"

It was, at this point, that the Hollow decided to intervene. "Puny soul reapers! I will devour your souls-"

"_Did you just interrupt me?_"

"N-no-"

"Good! Because if you did, I'd have to KILL YOU!"

"Immf ffo fffowwy-"

"_Shut up_ Ichigo! Did I give you permission to speak?"

"Mnmf!" Ichigo seemed to have finally lost his ability to articulate his words properly, after a very valiant effort to speak through a mouthful of gravel.

"WHAT DID I JUST SAY? DID IT SOUND LIKE I WAS GIVING YOU PERMISSION TO SPEAK?" She turned to the Hollow. "Did I give him permission to speak?"

"Well you did ask him a question…"

"THAT'S ENOUGH OUT OF YOU! GO SIT IN THE CORNER _NOW!_"

The Hollow finally seemed to realise that he was never going to get anywhere with the soul reapers, and instead decided it would be better for his dignity (and safety) if he returned to Hueco Mundo.

Unfortunately for Ichigo, this meant that Rukia had no other distractions to keep her from exacting terrible vengeance. She pulled up her sleeves with a menacing look on her face.

* * *

Ichigo stumbled into Urahara's shop, Rukia close behind him. He would have crawled, but someone very wisely said that it may cause certain people to become concerned as to the origin of his injuries. And he was firmly told that he wouldn't want them to know how he managed to get so badly beaten up, again a very, _very_ wise decision.

His brain was reluctant to think anything against Rukia, because she had the uncanny ability to sense when people were thinking ill of her. Not that he had anything ill to think about her, of course. She was a very wise and kind person.

Rukia smirked.

"Ichigo, what happened to you?!" Renji Abarai looked at his injuries with wide eyes.

"He was attacked. By…an Arrancar…and not just any Arrancar, this was the mighty El Pollo Loco himself!" Rukia said quickly. "Isn't that right, Ichigo?"

"Yeah," he said weakly, bleeding all over the carpet.

"But we didn't notice a change of spiritual pressure." Urahara pointed out.

"…Neither did we! Which is why he managed to sneak up on us and thoroughly beat up poor Ichigo here! I mean, what other possible explanation is there?"

"Yeah," Ichigo agreed randomly, bleeding a little bit more.

Renji and Urahara decided to believe them, although they did look a bit sceptical.

Now, I think we can all take something valuable away from this: Rukia is, without a doubt, crazier than Yachiru and Nel put together. Though you would never tell her that. Also, you should never _ever_ touch her bunny if you value your life. Ever.


End file.
